Working and trying to live

I was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. This makes things on the job very difficult, not only in terms of physical movement, but the fatigue and depression that are constant, even when I'm not in a heckuva lotta pain.

Time actually spent at work compounds the problem. I work more than 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. Sometimes I do indeed havew a day off, but the 8 hour thing is an average. 1/3 of my life for all pratical purposes. I hate sleeping, that takes up even more of my time. Time when I can actually enjoy things is precious, and having commitments to that much of my time makes me wonder quite frequently if I'm going to get ahead enough to relax and not feel guilty about it, before the next wave of pain hits, and I can't walk again.

I push myself in the workplace. I've noticed that when I actually try and take care of my own health, my boss takes that as slacking off. I don't mean shirking my duties at work, I mean not wantint to work 11 hour days 6 days a week. I mean not putting in an extra day when there's nothing to do simply because I'm salaried, and my boss feels she ows me. (no longer my boss, in case you're wondering.)

I tend to push myself well beyond my limits, so it doesn't look like I'm goofing off. This comes from people, when hearing of my condition, shrug it off and say things like "Same thing happens to me all the time, I just have to push through it."

I have a high threshold for pain. How do I know? I pierced my own nipple - slowly and without numbing it. I ripped out my own wisdom tooth - with a hammer and a finishing nail. I know pain. If I'm in bed because I say I can't walk, I mean the act of bending, even twitching my leg causes more pain in an instant than either the piercing or tooth removal. I don't get painkillers from the doctor, as they tend to "mask the symptoms" and bar the way to effective treatment. I've been going through this since I was 18, and at this point, relief is all I care about.

Back to the work subject, I've been working an overnight shift without a day or two off a month so far. The job is entirely physical, and though I am actually in better shape than when I was 18 (I'm 30, now), I do have to say I get worn out from time to time. It seems I get home, try and nap, eat dinner and get ready for work again. It ain't right, I tell ya.